This post was inspired by a recent Twitter conversation with Natasha, Belinda, Jane, Meg and Kate, all of whom have worked , or currently do work in the service industry. Thanks for sewing the seed ladies – it’s been bubbling below the surface for a while now!
1. If you can’t afford to eat out, then don’t. Rather stay at home, make some fish fingers and eat them in front of the telly. Quietly. It’ll make everyone so much happier than if you:
- don’t read the menu properly before ordering something and then complain when you get the bill that’s it’s overpriced and that you’re “not paying for that – it’s ridiculously priced!” Uh…. yes. Yes, you are paying for that. Because if you don’t, the police are going to take you to jail. Don’t steal.
- argue about the price of corkage. Or argue about corkage at all. It’s embarrassing. You shouldn’t really be taking a bottle of wine or champagne into a place that serves both, especially if said place takes special pride in their wine list, or is an actual wine farm (don’t laugh – this really has happened). If you can get that bottle for half price at Makro, then go buy it there and drink it in the car park – with no glasses, cutlery, tables, tablecloths, serviettes, electricity, candles, flowers, menus or food.
- ask for something for free which somebody else has already paid for. It’s the lowest of the low. Don’t eat the whole meal, bar two bites, and then say you’re not paying for it because it was “bad”. Or you found a hair in it. Most places have cameras now and they can see you pulling out that piece of hair from your head and putting it on your food. Just a heads up.
- completely ignore the corkage policy and attempt to sneak your wine into the restaurant and drink it under the table. And then get all grumpy and uppity when you get caught red-handed doing just that. And then go on Facebook and complain about how “rude” and “disrespectful” the restaurant staff were to you. Um, no. You were bust. Stealing. And lying. How embarrassing. Don’t steal.
2. If the waiter or waitress makes a mistake with your order, tell them straight away – because then they can FIX IT. Do not eat or drink said mistake and then complain about it. Time is of the essence! If your spouse/friend/relative upsets you, don’t fester and build up the situation until it’s so big it explodes… be straight and honest and air your grievances then and there, before things get ugly. Capiche?
3. Make your intentions loud and clear. Repeat them if need be. Make the waiter repeat them back to you if you’re unsure. Not everyone in life is a mind-reader or can guess what it is you want (especially if you’re a shy mumbler).
4. Say please and thank you. Just because you’re paying for something, doesn’t give you the right to treat people like you’re a C-U-Next-Tuesday. Stay humble. Always. And look people right in the eye – acknowledge their humanity, and SMILE. You’ll be surprised at how differently people will treat you.
5. Spineless people resort to Social Media to moan and complain. If you’re not happy with something, tell the waiter. If the waiter doesn’t deal with the problem to your liking, call a manager. If the manager is just as crap, email or call the shop immediately the next day. There is no point in half-arsedly posting a mean comment on an institution’s Facebook page five days after the grievance occurred. There is nothing that anyone is able to do at that stage to fix the problem, bar apologise. Unless you’re looking for free shit, in which case refer back to point 1. If you’re going to use social media, then tweet or post on FB at the time of your disappointment – guaranteed the owner/manager will hear about it rather promptly and make sure to sort it out as quickly as they can. Let people prove to you how they can deal with their own mistakes before you go dragging names through the mud. Second chances and all that. And if you still feel hard done by, just don’t go back. Simple.
6. Don’t throw the “Oh, don’t you know who I am?” or “But I know the owners!” card. If you know the owner, why did you not say hello as he/she walked past? And as we all know, if you have to pull the “Do you know who I am?!” spiel, then no, actually they don’t know who you are. And they probably don’t ever want to ever get to know you either.
7. Remember “Karma”? Well she LOVES working her magic at restaurants – as does her mate, “Got Ya Good Fucker”. I know of a swanky little restaurant in a swanky little city where after one particularly awful C-U-Next-Tuesday made a waitress cry, had his fillet liberally greased by every member of the kitchen staff’s sweaty ball sack. And you know how hot it gets in kitchens. Ya. In the wise words of Trevor Noah… “it’s where they judge you”.
DISCLAIMER: If this post upsets you in any way, please read this. It’s my legal page. It basically says I can say what I want because Freedom of Speech. Sweeeet. Now share this with your family and friends so that we can all make the world a better place. Toodles and loves,